THE BANIAN

Masters student rues the day he got his Visa

2004-07-27T18:45:00.000-04:00

DETROIT , MI-

Ajay Sharma, one of the Indian graduate students at Wayne State, wishes he had not been granted the F1 student visa. "Looking back, I wish that the consular officer had rejected it," he said.

Ajay joins hundreds of graduate students in various campuses across the US searching desperately for jobs. "I thought all I had to do was make it to the US, do my shit, and the rest would follow," he said. "This sucks," he added.

Ajay recently landed an interview in a major technology company, only to be told that the positions were being outsourced to India. To add to his woes, the company that received the outsourcing contract had hired him when he was in India. "I had rejected that job offer to come here. Can you beleive that?" he added bitterly.

"I mean, I love India and all that shit, but couldn't this outsourcing crap wait a few more years? Maybe until after I get my green card?" he continued wistfully. "Oh! the irony!!" he exclaimed.

Ajay's sorrows were compounded further when he called his old friend Arun in India. "That bastard now has the job that I'd rejected," said Ajay. "To think I felt sorry for him when he didn't get the visa," he added.

While Ajay lived in a two bedroom apartment with three roommates, Arun was living large in India. "He's already visited three countries. He lives in a well-furnished apartment all by himself, and rides a cool bike too," said Ajay.

"And he's got servants to do stuff around the house," Ajay spat out as he began to vacuum the carpet.

(c) The Banian, 2004

The Return of the Editor

2004-07-25T19:48:00.000-04:00

It was a quiet evening at 22-1B Banian Street. Dr.Whatever was sitting in the study, reading a book or whatever. A loud knock on the door woke him from his reverie (French for sleep).

"What the..." said Dr.Whatever, for at the doorstep stood an untidy man in a straight-jacket that had seen better days.

"Whatever?" completed the man.

"Yeah, whatever," said the doctor.

"My dear friend! It's me. The editor," said the man.

"Like I said...whatever," retorted the doctor.

"I need to get out of this straight-jacket. I need a shave and a shower," said the editor.

"That's a leeetle bit more information than I need to know. The bathroom's over there," replied the doctor.

"I know. I live here," said the editor sarcastically. His sarcasm was wasted. Dr.Whatever was already back to his reverie.

"My friend, have you wondered about my absence?" asked the-now-clean editor.

"Nope," mumbled the doctor.

"Did you wonder what happened to me as I fell off that cliff while wrestling with my alter ego?" the editor persisted.

"Not really," said Dr.Whatever.

"Well, it was a long fall, for the cliff was high," started the editor, putting his fingertips together and staring into the distance.

Dr.Whatever's snores shut him up abruptly.

"Great. Thanks for the welcome," muttered the editor. "No one understands genius. It's sooo fucking not elementary," he added, while making a large pot of coffee.

Editor way too serious about Updates

2004-03-22T02:59:00.000-05:00

SIOUX CITY, IA-

The Banian, Editor of the spoof-zine The Banian, is taking his hobby a little too seriously, according to informed sources. The editor's inclinations came to light in the wake of the loss of his job, upon which he is now forced to look for a new job.

"I mean, I have hit upon a good idea, and it is up to me to keep churning funny stuff," said the editor. "I owe it to my fans," he added, rather dramatically.

"I think he should shelve this new-found hobby for a while until he finds his next project," said the editor's pragmatic alter ego, looking a little worried. "What does he think he is? The next best thing since Sienfeld?" he added.

"I had so many plans. I wanted to design new templates. I wanted to provide links and graphics," lamented the editor, as he was put in a straight-jacket by his alter ego. "I will be back," he added, impersonating Arnold rather badly.

"Dude, this guy is nuts," said the alter ego, rolling his eyeballs.

The reaction of the fans has been difficult to judge, largely owing to their paucity. "The what?" said one, trying hard to remember if The Banian rang any bells.

(c) The Banian, 2004

Indian Cricket Team to re-think Stategy

2004-03-18T15:55:00.000-05:00

RAWALPINDI, PAKISTAN

The Indian cricket team, led by captain Sourav Ganguly, is involved in deep soul-searching to rethink their stategy in their ongoing series with Pakistan. The consistency of the Indian Team is the main cause of worry for the Captain and for the coach, John Wright.

"There was a time when the fall of the first four wickets meant that the team would fold very quickly," said Ganguly. "We need to recapture that form," he added. "The team seems to have picked up some un-Indian traits like fighting back and hanging on to see through the fifty overs," said coach John Wright. "We are working towards analyzing the cause of this behavior, and setting it right," he added.

Initial analyses seem to indicate that this trend was first picked up by the Indian team either during last year's World cup or during the recent tour of Australia. Other analysts claim that the Indian team first caught this bug during the NatWest Series in 2002, when Yuvraj Singh and Mohammed Kaif showed uncharacteristic signs of a spine during a mammoth chase.

"There seems to be some hope that this worrying trend is at it's end," said Ganguly, referring to the most recent One Day International in Rawalpindi, where the Indian team kept losing wickets at regular intervals while chasing Pakistan's total of 329.

"Despite Tendulkar's defiant batting, the Indian team did not lose the plot, and pulled together as a team to lose wickets steadily," said coach John Wright. "I think the credit for this goes to Ganguly's knock of 15 off 38 balls, which sent a clear message to the batsmen who followed," he added, commending Ganguly for leading by example.

The historic series is being closely watched by politicians and policy makers as well, as it may have repercussions on the Indo-Pak situation. The series is the second effort by Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee to appease Pakistan, upon the failure of his unilateral ceasefire initiative in Kashmir.

"I thought the lives of a few thousand Indian soldiers would appease Mr. Musharraf," said Mr.Vajpayee. "If the Indian team fails to find it's form and lose to Pakistan, I may have to offer them Kashmir," he added.

Mr. Vajpayee had been saying for the last few years that his intention was to strive for peace with Pakistan, at any cost to India.

(c) The Banian, 2004

Marisa Tomei plays with Vagina in Mumbai

2004-03-14T17:39:00.000-05:00

MUMBAI, INDIA-

Oscar winning actress Marisa Tomei arrived in Mumbai to play with her vagina on March 8th, on the eve of Women's day. Ms. Tomei will play to packed audiences at the Tata Theater in Mumbai.

When playing with her vagina, Ms. Tomei will follow the techniques outlined in Sex psychologist Eve Ensler's path-breaking book, The Vagina Moan-ohhh-logs. Ms. Ensler's research is based on interviews with over 200 women from all over the world. Ms. Ensler's work has been hailed as an important milestone in Women's sexual liberation by critics across the globe.

Ms. Tomei's play is woven into a series of seperate stories, each with it's own powerful climax. Ms. Tomei will be assisted in playing with her vagina by Oscar winning actress Jane Fonda. Ms. Tomei will also be assisted by a local cast, which includes producer Mahabanoo Mody-Kotwal, theatre actor Dolly Thakore, Avantika Akerkar, television actor Jayati Bhatia and Sonali Mahimtura Sachdev.

"People think playing with a vagina is a dirty thing. It's not," says producer-performer Kotwal. "The play is about changing mindsets. It tells stories that embody the spirit of an aroused woman, the essence of womankind. That very essence that is rarely aroused and seldom satisfied."

More than 200 stars have played with their vaginas according to the instructions of the Obie-award winning book so far. Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, Glenn Close, Oprah Winfrey, Winona Ryder, Susan Sarandon, Alanis Morissette, Calista Flockhart, Isabella Rossellini, Salma Hayek, Kylie Minogue and Meera Syal with a host of other women have played with their vaginas over the years since the publication of the book.

Ms. Ensler will also be in Mumbai on the night to watch Ms. Tomei play.

(c)Read-if News Service 2004

Self-styled Swami totally re-hashing old shit

2004-03-12T19:42:00.000-05:00

HARDWAR, INDIA-

Swami Granthananda, who recently started his own Ashram in the foot-hills of the Himalayas, is totally not coming up with anything original, according to a few followers who started listening to him.

"Man, it's the same old Vedanta stuff. The Atman is true. The world is mithya. Yeah yeah yeah. Like I haven't heard that one before," said one of the listeners.

The Swami seemed to lack all the qualities like flair, humor and quick wit that were needed to captivate audiences. Yet, he seemed completely oblivious to the fact that he was, in fact, boring. Nor did the Swami manage to come up with any helpful solutions to any of his listeners' problems, except speaking in broad philosophical terms.

"The other day, I was like, 'Gawd! Not the rishi-helping-the-woman- cross-the-river story again!!'," said another listener. "I mean, can you be any less original?", he asked.

When asked what he thought about the progress of his Ashram, the Swami said - "I am very happy with this decision of mine. The world is full of material desires. It is important to develop a sense of detachment, and work for the benefit of others. Detached action does not result in additional karma. Thus all the vasanas can be exhausted. And the cycle of re-birth can be broken."

When asked again what he thought specifically about the progress of his Ashram, the Swami added - "I am very happy with the disciples who are coming my way. It gives me great pride to say that there are also some travelers from the materialistic West, who are here to seek wisdom."

One of the westerners was available for comment. "I mean, this dude speaks some deep shit man. But if I don't see a good miracle or two soon, I'm outta here," he said. "I might wanna try out that other dude with the funky hair who conjures rings and such shit outta thin air," he added, referring to Satya Sai baba.

(c) The Banian

FOB not living up to image of clueless MCP SOB

2004-03-11T15:01:00.000-05:00

PITTSBURGH, PA-

Rahul, 24, who recently landed at his uncle's place on a short-term project for an MNC, did not fit the stereotype of the FOB desi, much to the consternation of his ABCD cousins Aparna, 20, and Vivek, 21.

"It is so frustrating," Aparna admitted. "I was so looking forward to a guy who wouldn't know jack about American culture, table manners, and body odor," she added.

Rahul was also an avid electric-guitar player, making him a little cooler than his cousins cared for. Much to their chagrin, he regaled their friends with stories of his pot-smoking, beer-drinking exploits back in College, when he used to be part of a local Mumbai band that played psychedelic rock from the sixties at college campuses.

"How am I supposed to compete with a guy who's got a couple of grand to blow each month?", asked Vivek angrily as he realized that his hot-left-wing-activist girlfriend, Cindy, was taking a little too much liking to Rahul. "I mean, I wait tables for Chrissakes," he added, recollecting his father's refusal to pay for anything other than his tuition and books.

"Why can't he fu**ing be like my friend Shilpa's cousin?", exclaimed Aparna, lost in fond memories of the hilarious time she had making fun of the clueless dude who'd kept gawking at billboards with scantily clad women.

Rahul, who'd gone to see The Dave Matthews Band play at the River Bank, was not available for comment.

"I'm sure that slut must've gone with him," Vivek muttered under his breath.

(c) The Banian

Secular surfing on display at Advani yatra

2004-03-10T21:44:00.000-05:00

With the sound of the ocean in the backdrop, Olympic surfboard silver medalist Lal Krishna Advani launched his Bharat Surf-o-rama yatra from Kanyakumari on Wednesday with a catchy four-word Slogan - "My time has come". Probably to allay fears that his surfboard journey from Kanyakumari to Kolkata would create great anxiety among his confused adolescent surfing fans, Advani harped on the themes of developing balance and a feeling of unity with the waves throughout his speech.

"This century will be My century. I will become a World champion surfer," he said. "That is what this yatra is for," he added. To add to the symbolism of the event, and to stress the theme of inclusivity, Advani managed to convince the sponsors to have a token representation from two other surfers - The coach of the Ajmer Dargah Surfing Club, Sainalabdin, and a YMCA coach from Kerala. They are planned to complement Advani's yatra by surfing the Arabian sea coast. The YMCA coach will surf the malabar coast, while Sainalabdin is slated to take it from there to Mumbai.

Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi and Arif Mohammed Khan, two promising surfers recently inducted into the Indian surfing team, flanked the champion surfer. Advani, who was hailed by one of the Sponsors Mr.Venkaiah Naidu as the surfer who "redefined the concept of yatras", spoke fondly about the memories of the Suvarna Medal rath yatra he conducted some years ago, in spite of which Advani could not clinch a gold at the Olympics. Those who came to hear tidbits of Advani's daredevilry were disappointed.

Advani said that he did make some progress in the last 50 years on the professional circuit. However, it was not commensurate with his potential. "My regret is that in the last 50 years, I could not rise up to the occassion," he said.

(c)The Dhakkan Chronicle 2004

Fatwa issued against 55 Muslims for eating popcorn

2004-03-10T15:26:00.000-05:00

Fifty-five Muslims have been excommunicated, and their beards tonsured, by a priest in Agra after they allegedly stated that eating popcorn was not un-Islamic.

While issuing the fatwa, Maulvi Mohammed bin Tughlaq melodramatically asserted that eating of the soon-to-become national junk food "would lead them (Muslims) to hell."

It was wrong for Muslims to eat popcorn, he said, adding "I mean, COME ON!! Work with me on this one. Its just one short step from eating popcorn, to listening to that punk rock band Korn."

Muslims who made statements in favor of eating popcorn should offer prayers to renew their faith in Islam and regrow their beards according to Islamic rites, he said.

Of the 55 who were excommunicated, 15 said that they were glad this happened, as they were getting weary of acting cool to impress their kids. "And don't even get me started on those kernels that get stuck between my teeth", added Abdul Gafur, one of the 15.

(c) Read-if News Service 2004

The Banian enters Blogspace

2004-03-10T03:31:00.000-05:00

In an unprecedented move that has the analysts stumped, a virtually unheard-of spoof-zine called The Banian has propelled itself into blogspace. The NDA and The Congress, the major contenders in the upcoming Parliamentary elections, are holding hush-hush meetings to discuss the implications of this new development.

"This may be a spoof-zine that is so far to the left that it is actually in Italy", said the NDA spokesman Venkaiah Naidu.

"We are trying to explain to Smt.Sonia Gandhi ji what this word means. Pending her understanding, we will hold a press conference to announce our official stand on this new development that is sending us into flummoxed paroxysms of anxiety", said the Congress spokesman Mani Shankar Aiyar, barely able to conceal a wide grin over his witty wordplay.

"This is a spoof-zine funded by the World Bank to undermine the voices of the worker classes against the decadent materialism of the West", said a Spokesman for the Communist party of India(Marxist, but not Leninist, maybe Stalinist, or even Maoist) - CPI(MBNLMSOEM)

Analysts are watching this new development with considerable interest. The common man, however, couldn't care less.

"Like I give a f**k", said a commuter in a train in Mumbai(One of the largest cities of India).

(c)Routers 2004.